Ironic Metaphors, Analogies and Similes

As welcome as Attila the Hun.

Compared to him I was a blue-eyed baby with a brand-new rattle.

As easy as opening an oyster with a bus ticket.

A small problem like a little hole in your hot-water bottle.

Yes, it's healthy, like moving an asthmatic down a coal mine.

As useful as a chocolate teapot.

As scientific as a cosmetic advert.

I need more bills like Colonel Custer needed more Indians.

Our school was as advanced educationally as desk ink wells.

Jeanine is as discreet as an earthquake.

Wetter than a fish's swimsuit.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everyone's face but their own.

Jonathon Swift

A sweet fragrance, like the Ganges on a warm summer night.

The boss showed all the tender empathy of an illegal immigrant gangmaster.

As welcome as a fox in a hen house.

Now he is the boss, Duxbury's as useful as a lead parachute.

That joke is as funny as leprosy.

As tender as having all your love letters returned.

As suitable as attempting the Olympic high-jump final wearing MC Hammer's trousers.

But still the great have kindness in reserve, he helped to bury whom he helped to starve.

Alexander Pope

They are as compatible as a mongoose and a cobra.

Veronica turns as agile and nimble as an oil tanker.

Thanks for all your emphatic help — as if fire could be put out with squirts of petrol.

That idea is as appropriate as a streaker at Queen Victoria's funeral.

As truthful as a man with a second-hand car.

The poor have the majestic equality of the law, which forbids the rich, as well as the poor, from sleeping under bridges or begging in the streets or stealing bread.

As inconspicuous as a tarantula on angel food.

As safe as attempting to climbing Mount Everest with a thread instead of a rope.

All the reassurance of your dentist consulting a training manual.

Thanks, it's been a great evening; like the Nuremberg trials.

As harmless as thunderbolts.

About as much use as an umbrella to a duck.

As useful as wet newspaper.

As popular as a 4am car alarm.

Steven Eccleston