Humorous Metaphors, Analogies and Similes
My telephone is so old it still has Alexander Graham Bell's name on it.
His Seventies medallion could have anchored the QE2.
This chap attracts bad luck like bald men attract comb-overs.
As fair as game of basketball is to short people.
For a six-pack to replace your bargain bucket is as likely as a beer commercial that features a beer belly.
Lawyers and woodpeckers have mighty long bills.
We are all sailboats on the river of life, and money is the wind. With enough money you can get blown anywhere.
Her tongue has the crack of a biblical lash. The pyramids would have been built quicker if she had been an ancient Egyptian.
You might as well employ a boa constrictor for a tape measure as go to a lawyer for legal advice.
If pregnancy was a book, they would cut the last two chapters.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts except that Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
The only way to make killing on the stock market is to shoot your broker.
A crook is a businessman without an office.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. The hand can't hit what eye can't see.
Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is callisthenics with words.
Like a camel I can go without drinking for seven days — and have on several horrible occasions.
That diamond necklace has more carats than Bugs Bunny.
A hippy is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
Sir, I have never seen anything that unclear since I filled out the application form for a codebreaker’s job at GCHQ.
A slave whose gall coins slander like a mint.
Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie.
As embarrassing as freestyle dancing accountants at that annual romp, that orgy of licence, that recollection of the worst excesses of 1789, the annual Institute of Charted Accountants Conference.
Your conspiracy theory reminds me of a blind man in a dark room looking for a black hat that isn't there.
More bizarre than a Friday afternoon brainstorming meeting at the Department of Conceptual Art.
Some jobs just can't be improved — it's like adding designer curtains to your jail cell.
I am inclined to approach housework the way government treat dissent: ignore it until it revolts.
You have more days off work than Father Christmas.
Most architects think in inches, talk in yards and should be kicked by the feet.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
The average aeroplane is 16 years old, much like the aeroplane food.
A committee is an animal with four back legs.
As randomly sadistic as the writers of flat-pack furniture instructions.
As much chance as striking a hole-in-one and simultaneously being hit by a meteorite and lightning.
Men read maps better because only a male mind could conceive of an inch equalling a hundred miles.
You are as easy to spot as a kangaroo in a dinner jacket.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
My grandmother always said, 'Men are like linoleum floors. You lay them right, and you can walk on them for thirty years'.
That's the least convincing female impression since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
At the cricket match, England's batting — like medieval royals with syphilis — went suddenly mad.
In the mirror I looked like a million dollars — green and wrinkled.
In the Blackpool Tower ballroom the only couple on the dance floor threw themselves about with the reckless abandon of a night watchman with arthritis.
A healthy male bore consumes, each month, twice his own body weight in other people's patience.
It was all baked in the cake long ago; psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parent's shortcomings.
Their dress sense is like the aftermath of a direct hit on a pizza factory.
I gave my wife plastic surgery — I cut up her credit cards.
The only successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.
The man who boasts of his illustrious ancestry is like the potato — the best part is under ground.
The stars of heaven appear fair and pure: because they are far away from us, and we know nothing of their private lives.
Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
His wallet is more oversized than a rhino’s scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.
Their foreign surname is a rotten hand at Scrabble.
Kelvin should be a member of the Parole Board: he never lets anyone finish a sentence.
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
As bow-legged as a man who's just had the snip five minutes previously.
Nuttier than a squirrels poo.
Duxbury's monologue was as interesting and needed as reading spam ( the meat or spam the e-mail).
He sounds like a speak-your-weight machine with a flat battery.
A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.
A priest to make a blonde take up stained-glass window making.
Life is like a toilet roll: the closer you get to the end the faster is goes.
Housework is the treadmill from futility to oblivion.
As sensible a method as looking for fish by climbing a tree.
In the world of investing, it's only when the tide goes out that you get to see who's been swimming with their trunks off.
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
A person without a sense of humour is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.
The only thing moving about Charlton Heston's performance was his wig.
That was the moment when my cover was blown like a man with a neat combover turning a windy corner.
Lucy remained in a whirlpool of laughter. Just when you thought she was getting out, the current gushed her back into more guffaws.
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