Definition Metaphors, Analogies and Similes
Acting: the art of keeping a group of people from coughing.
Advertising: the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
Advertising: the rich asking for more money.
Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Atheist: someone of no invisible means of support.
Binge drinking: to drink like a doctor, as opposed to as advised by a doctor.
Bullfighters: ballet dancers who stab bulls.
Bureaucrats: like custard pies; you can't nail them to the wall.
Committee: a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Corporation: an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
Debt: the slavery of the free.
Deerstalking: a fine sport, if only the deer had guns.
Death: nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Diplomat: a man who thinks twice before he says nothing.
Diplomacy: the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Drug: a substance that, when it is injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
E-athlete: someone who enjoys computer games too much.
Elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
Fanatic: one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Fogey: one who hates anything that has happened in his lifetime.
Free society: a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
Friendship: a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather but only one in foul.
Gambling: the surest way of getting nothing for something.
Genius: a Saharan African who dreams up snow.
A Glasgow atheist: a man who goes to a Celtic-Rangers game to watch the football.
Gym weight-training: ineffable preparation for such things as playing stiff accordions.
Lift attendant: an indoor aviator.
Luck: a useful topic to bring up in the presence of self-made men.
Political language — and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists — is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
Professor: someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Lawyer: one who writes a ten-thousand-word document and calls it a brief.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at maths.
Irritable Cowell Syndrome: an inability to stomach watching Simon Cowell's TV shows.
Judge: a law student who marks his own examination papers.
Physicist: an atom's way of looking at itself.
It's recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
Tsar: just another consultant with responsibility in a specific area.
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